Do you have friendships? I think it's reasonable to say that most of us do. I just finished watching the Golden Girls episode where Sophia meets a friend at the boardwalk. They both snipe and nag each other while sipping a soda. At the end of the episode, Sophia loses her friend to Alzheimer's. His daughter couldn't take the time off from work anymore to watch after him 24/7 and so they sent him to New York to be with nephew who could offer specialized care. She loses her friend but at least it was to something that not even science can stop. Sure, it can slow it down but not stop it completely.
What was the point of the story, you ask? I watched the episode and it caused my face to leak thinking about the various reasons that you could lose a friend. In my case, she said that I was too negative and that she would cheer me on from afar (read: I don't want to be your friend anymore and well the reason doesn't matter but this makes me feel better). I freely admit that I am negative but not as much as she suggested. Is it really negative to be honest with people regardless of how bad it sounds? Sometimes people need to hear what they don't want to hear or what they actually need to hear not what they want to hear. In some cases, that's what a person is looking for - an honest person to tell them what they, themselves, already know. You could say that I am making excuses for myself but I'm not. As I said before, I am negative to a degree but I am a far cry from a dark cloud swirling over my head that's threatening to consume me. Once the deed was done, she could pat herself on the back and go on with her life. For my part, I removed myself from the two lists that I was on that she run and then blocked her from my accounts. That might seem petty but then how can I miss her if she never really goes away?
The truth is that I do miss my friendship with her or at least how I framed it in my mind but in reality, it was never really a friendship in the first place. Sure, when I lived in Atlanta, we talked nightly about all sorts of things unless something come up. Then when I moved up here so we could start our bakery together, the talking stopped. Yes, I went over to her house and we chatted there when there was a moment. She would come over to my house but only long enough to borrow the internet (I didn't mind) and I must say she cleaned my apartment at least twice. Yes, we chatted on the phone. But neither one of these were as much as we did when I lived 900 miles away. I could go days without talking to my friend who, now, lived a mile down the street. She told me that I was a breath of fresh air and alive but then somewhere that all changed. To my knowledge, I haven't done anything different than usual but she found religion. She always considered herself a witch but now she added being a Christian to that and ended up being an Xtian. I could be wrong. It could be something as simple as I moved to Indiana to be with David but I'm not 100% sure. I can't ask her now but if I could - would I? When the time line rolled through my head, I saw it coming with hindsight being 20/20 and all that...
One would think that I had enough time to know it was coming and without the aid of 20/20 hindsight. There may have been signs of it before this but I don't think the end really started until I moved to Indiana to be with David. One would also think that your best friend would be happy for you when you found the man you want to share your life with but apparently that's only if it meshes with the current plans. I know that before I moved here, I said that I didn't want to and made a big stink about it. There was a huge hole in the bathroom floor and there was no heating or air conditioning except for the window units during the summer. In the winter, we confined ourselves to one room and kept that one warm for us. Then again, with the exception of the huge hole in the bathroom floor - my last apartment was that way and we couldn't stay in one room together that we could keep warm and watch TV (it was too small, in case, you are curious) but I digress.....
Okay, so I should have had enough time to see it coming and I think I did. When I moved, it was just David and I moving my stuff down a flight of stairs and then it started pouring rain and it even filled up the viaduct that run underneath the train track down from my apartment. I was talking to her and even mentioned several times that I needed the help but she never bothered to offer the help and I was being too stubborn to ask because I figure, if you wanted too then you would have helped (never mind that she advised that she would help a few months ago). I went home last summer so that my David could see where I lived and what the south looked like plus I was visiting my mother. My brother and his wife found out that I call her a dirty whore and it's true, I do. Several times too. So, anyway, he wouldn't speak to me so I made a post on Facebook about it and my friend here jumped on me about it. Basically, it wasn't funny and she didn't see the point since the dirty whore isn't my friend and wouldn't see it anyway. Normally, she would have laughed about the dirty whore incident.
This is what I wrote:
Attention All Whores and Witches: In the past, I have called someone a whore and even suggested that if the broom fits - she should ride it. I stand before you today to apologize for my actions. By calling her a whore and suggesting that flying a broom is so easy that even stupid people can do it, was and is offensive and gives a bad name to whores and witches everywhere. I apologize to you all.
I still think it's funny but you can't win them all. Next comes the Chik-Fil-A debacle. If you don't know of it then that's when the founder of said company said they were happy as an anti-gay company and saw no need to support the gays in their marriage quest. He even based it on biblical principles but failed to mention the other types of biblical marriage or even the gay relationship found in the old and new testament (but I interpreted the bible in MY way and I could be wrong). She had a little friend on there that said that gays should just get over it. Then I had my say and forgot to use quotation marks - THE HORROR!! - so she trotted out there and told whoever that I forgot to use them and really didn't mean all christians (which I thought everyone knew who I was talking about) and in that speech I suggested that if the founder had said he believed women should be barefoot, pregnant, in the kitchen and believed that they should have no say or voting rights, I bet she wouldn't be saying get over it. But because the gay part didn't mean anything to her or affect her, she didn't care. So, my friend, told me by text that I basically only have one thought that I change and re-word in hopes that someone will bow down to my ego. So I said, so I'm a fraud? She said don't put words in my mouth and I said well a fraud is someone who has nothing but his ego. They believe that everyone is too stupid to figure it out or be able to find out it was them behind it all.
Now the Connecticut wedding issue - Again, I took to Facebook with the following update:
Dearest friends: while David and I have been on vacation in Connecticut visiting old friends (heifah please! It's just a figure of speech), We have decided to get married and live in Connecticut since our union will be recognized there. We will, of course, return to Indiana to clean up our stuff there and prepare for our move to Connecticut so that we can live in wedded bliss regardless of who the next president is. — with David
and she left this: CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLOWING KISSES AND AIR HUGS!!!!!!!
Sounds cool right? Well, in reality, she was hoping mad and seething about the whole thing. Even called the neighbor from upstairs to bitch to him about it. She couldn't believe that I was throwing away 12 years of friendship and so forth and so on. Reading this far makes it sound like I wasn't important. I let it all blow over and waited then I called her and that's how I found out what was going on. Normally, she would have snatched up the phone and demanded answers but she didn't do that this time.
Sometime around Christmas, she had made a trip to Bargains & Treasures to look at stuff to purchase for Christmas. The owner had told her I had been there with David but I couldn't remember being there especially with David. Last time I was in Bradley was on Black Friday (I thought we had a good time then but apparently not). She was upset that I was in town without telling her (that's reasonable but I actually wasn't in town) and I can only assume the owner got her times mixed up which happens. All this time, I thought she was upset with me and then she deleted me from Facebook, so I called and left her a voice mail. She called back and told me that story and we were friends again.
Lastly was the whole thing about bullying children. I believe that bullying is a learned behavior and most likely it comes from the parents but, like everything else, I assume people know I am not talking about all children or all parents. Apparently it upset her to the point of crying because well she and her family aren't like that and I know that and I assumed that the generalization would make a person think that well they aren't like that then I must not be talking about them. It didn't happen that way. So that's when I got those all dramatic words about she needs to dump negative people out of her life and she will still cheer me on but from afar. She will be waiting on me when I get to the end of my tunnel and resolve the dark cloud hanging over my head. I told her to do what she needed to do. That's a condensed version of what was said but the rest was unimportant.
In the end, it's true I wasn't happy at that point in my life and I'm doing okay now. Some days are good and others are bad but when I do reach the end of that tunnel – she won't be there and I know this. Even if she were, I'd rather step past her and talk with people that stood by me assuming these are the worst days of my life. I can't really speak for her and, of course, what I wrote is what I'm thinking but the friendship ended that night and it won't be reignited.
I thought she was being overly dramatic about the whole wedding thing and the 12 years of friendship being tossed. But I guess it really is true - 12 years of friendship can be thrown away <snap> just like that.