The Ancient Game of He Said/She Said

For purposes of this blog - She said is in Blue, he said is in red.
Candy MerillatThank you Miss Betty for the beautiful letter. Bryan and I, unfortunately do not talk anymore.I unfriended him on facebook because I can not handle all the negative things he posts about the church and our government. And how everyone is against him.
Yes, there are certain things about the church that I completely despise. Like shuffling pedophiles around or those who claim to be standing for religion saying silly things like marriage equality will lead to bestiality or (you guessed it) pedophilia. If saying you don't like these things are negative then yes, I am negative. As for the government, I think I talk the most about Republicans but I also talk about Democrats. In this regard, you know as well as I do, that you and your husband are far worse in your negativity about the government. Nothing Chicago/Illinois government or the federal government could do was right. Does that mean you were wrong? No, it just means you were negative about the government. At least I admit that Republicans do have good ideas from time to time but nothing recently. 
The last time I talked to him was a few weeks before Christmas.
You did talk to me after the new year and I thought we cleared up any matters. Then the bullying episode occurred and while I did generalize...most people would have thought that their child doesn't fit that description so therefore they couldn't have learned something they don't know from their parents.  But this didn't occur to you and I'm not sure why.
He has told me on many occasions that David doesn't think I like him. This is true.
I have said time and time again to him that If I didn't like David, I wouldn't invite him to my house, hug him or even talk to him.
I have told David this and it was his choice to stay away from you - he felt you didn't like him when he was around. I can't make him change his mind. 
Since Bryan moved to Indiana, our relationship has gone down hill. 
This is true - in some respect - the relationship started going downhill when I first agreed to move to Indiana. Once that occurred, you wouldn't even help me move when you told me months earlier that you would. Who would have thought that offer was contingent on me moving where you wanted me to. (See below about costs associated with your ideas).
We can't talk when Dave is home, We can't talk when David comes home and most of the time that Bryan were to call me is when he got out of the house with out David or David wasn't home. 
I have called during times when David wasn't home because I was cleaning and bored. When David would come home, he would ascertain who was on the phone and then go on about his business. 
Trying to have a conversation with him while David was home, was to have the conversation constantly interupted by David, or Bryan tell me he had to go because David was either giving him attitude or pouting because Bryan wasn't paying attention to him.
I don't remember David ever giving me attitude or pouting when I was on the phone. He would always say hello to you and you would say hello back. That was the extent of it. If David was ever pouting or had attitude - he wasn't serious about it. Oddly enough we are missing the number of times that your family would interrupt our phone calls. Let's talk about the number of times and length of time that I waited with dead air on the line (no, you can't use the excuse that they are children). Unless they are toddlers or younger, they can see you were on the phone and never mind that your daughter would always talk to you about things and never your husband. Admittedly, I'm not sure if this is because he would always defer to you or not. Given the number of times (and how quickly they begin once you are outside) that you have gotten text messages from your daughter while away and your reaction to these texts - I assume she never asks him.
After their trip to Connecticut and Bryan announcing on Facebook that he and David had decided to move up there where they could be married and it be viewed as a real marriage, I knew then I had lost my friend. The reason I knew is because I found out like the general public...via Facebook. Not a phone call stating his happy news but a total disregard for our friendship.
Perhaps but it was actually to see what people would say - including you. At this point in time, I thought we were still friends enough that you would have called to ask about it and to see if it were true but you didn't do that. Instead you made a comment on the post about how happy you were for us but were steaming inside and harassing your upstairs neighbor about it. You told me that yourself. It would be viewed as a real marriage an option, may I remind you, that you already have but it's no fault of yours that I don't have it. Unless, of course, you voted against me.
I severed business ties with him at that moment. Changed the name of the business and opened it on my own. We had a chance to get a business grant and a substantial one, but he neglected to tell me about it until after the dead line. When I asked him why he didn't tell me, he said well I started to apply for us but I didn't know any of the details we had talked about and I just didn't do it. Never once called me to ask me to do it, or even tell me about it until it was too late to even apply.
There were no real business ties anyway. You can spin this any way that you want but the reality is that the grant I found was UP TO a certain amount - meaning no guarantee of the high number - and that we have a name - which we didn't have and the deadline was relatively close. It was also asking for numbers we couldn't have possibly offered to them with any accuracy, so to go forward would have been fraud. So, no, you can't claim that it was all my fault for losing the grant when we didn't have most of the information that they were asking for. As you noted above, I did start to fill out the form myself but then as the questions got a little more involved, I stopped and realized that we didn't have the info and wouldn't by the deadline. Yes, I did forget to tell you but why bother when there was nothing we could have done about it.
Never mind the times I told you that the economy didn't make me comfortable (not fully but reasonable that we would have a fair shot at sustaining a business) and with recent talks of taxes going up on small business - I wasn't quite ready to stick my neck out there. I get that you believe that we would be turning a profit in the first month but common business ideals dictate that it takes about 2 years to be profitable. Does that mean we would have been like that? No, but 2 years is an average meaning that any more or less was an exception to the rule.
Since the incident of him announcing he and David were going to move, Ive seen him once. He came down for Black Friday and I just felt like I was not wanted. It was a burden for me to even be with them shopping.
That's strange - you wanted to meet us at Black Friday then when your daughter wasn't feeling good, you wanted to go with us which we happily agreed. We had a good time talking and cutting up like usual. You even spent the time that I was spending waiting on a specific item with David. I would even come over and talk a few minutes. We then took you home and you wanted to go somewhere else with us - I don't see how that's feeling uncomfortable with us. Even David said that he enjoyed talking to you. So, if this was a burden, then perhaps you should have asked to go home when this became obvious. Not stand around and talk while you were miserable. If it really were a burden, that was your fault not ours.
13 years we have been friends and if he wants to believe what David tells him when David doesn't even know me...well than that is on Bryan.
I believe what my husband says just like you do - that hasn't changed. I suppose you think that since you said something then I should just believe it and completely ignore my husband's feelings.
He seemed to be hinting to me when he found out we were going to church on Christmas Eve, seemed like he wanted to go. I told him that Im sure there was a church in his area he could attend. Now Miss Betty I have never turned anyone of God's children away when they have shown interest in going to church with us. But Miss Betty, the way Bryan looks his nose down on the church and anything to do with the church. I was not going to sit in the house of the Lord, our loving and beautiful church, knowing that the person sitting next to me did not believe.
That's odd. You believe that you can be a witch and a Christian at the same time knowing that those two particular religious paths are incompatible. Christians/Catholics used to burn witches at the stake, press them to death and force them to convert under penalty of death. Witches used to hide in the Catholic church in the 50s but they only went to church and didn't actually practice the religion itself and never considered themselves Christian. If you need to mix two religions to make it work for you then one or both of them isn't for you.  At any rate, I did mention that I wanted to go because I love Christmas cantatas especially those sang in churches with great acoustics and you are the one who told me the church was great for that and that I should go. Loving music and believing in the same thing you do is completely different. To enjoy music does not require that I enjoy the faith it's singing about.For the record, I have never told you or anyone else that I am an atheist. I have told people that I am agnostic (this is different than being an atheist) and that I believe there are gods that exist but I have a different way of viewing them. Also, You know I have no desire to be part of any religion and believe the Catholic Church is being highly hypocritical to continue telling others just how nasty and gross they are when they shuffle pedophile priests around and think nothing of it. Yes, that is my right. Just because you can overlook it or make an excuse like well it's not my church doesn't mean I have to do the same thing 
I've lost my friend. I've listened to him when he has called and complained about David being lazy, not making any decisions and upsetting Bryan. but it seems that when I agree with Bryan, he goes back and tells David and that would be the reason David thinks I do not like him...when in fact, what I don't like is that Bryan does nothing but tell me the BAD things David does and nothing of the GOOD that David does...so what am I supposed to do?
I can agree with this one, you have permanently lost your friend but it's not completely due to things I have done - this trashy, tasteless FB message to my mother finished the job for you. I never really talked up David's good points and I have talked to him about that and apologized for being a less than ideal husband. You started losing your friend the day that you decided that I wasn't doing what you wanted. I suppose I could have stayed in Bradley and paid rent, let David live with me while he paid a mortgage and rent on the trailer, the gas money to go back and forth to his job (until he found another one closer with an appropriate pay rate because not just any pay rate would work), paying car/renter's/homeowner's insurances. Do you see the costs adding up? 
Rent in Bradley: $545 (assuming I stayed in Romeo's place)Rent in Portage: $460 (includes water/sewer/trash/land)Mortgage(Trailer) $213Utilities in Portage: $80 (gas/electric - minimums with no one here - set by nipsco)Utilities in Bradley: ?? (Can't say because that would change since we lived there)Gas to/from his job: $?? (Gas in IL has moved between $3.49 - $4.49/gal)Insurance: $?? (unknown because I pay $160 a month now for two cars and a trailer and that's with discounts of living at the same address on the property at that address. We would either need homeowner's at the trailer included or renter's at the apartment since neither type would cover both.)
I'm at $1,200+ and that's just with the numbers that are constant. There's no guarantee on the gas prices or the insurance because such things can't be calculated. Even assuming that we would lose the trailer/rent if it sold - that's *IF* it sold - what would we do if it didn't? We might have been able to make it anyway and cut down on the things we liked to do but I didn't want that. I took the cheapest option and I am very sorry that it doesn't work for you. What would you have done assuming the roles were reversed? I guess it amounts to it's not your concern.
Be there for my friend and tell him I agree with him that he shouldn't be treated in such a way? or do I side with David and make an excuse for a man I clearly do not know or have been given the chance to know.
Your husband has "cheated" on you twice and you have the nerve to tell me that I shouldn't be treated that way? He made simple romantic gestures and you stay with him - hardly someone who doesn't make excuses for your own husband. You have even made statements about leaving your husband once your child is 18. I admit, that's been awhile and may have been said in a moment of anger. Compared to you two, I am treated like a prince - i just needed to realize it.
I do not know who your son has become, but he surely is not the man I love and adore. Miss Betty he is my family and always will be. He is very much loved by me as if he were my own flesh and blood, brother.
The only thing I have become is someone who doesn't hang on your every word. If this is how you love your own flesh and blood - please disown me. I have real blood family members that treat me better than that. I have family members, unrelated by blood, that treat me better than that. 
But I can not and will not, subject my husband and my children to such negativity. I understand they are "in love", but have some respect when you come into my house...there is no need to be all over one another when people are trying to carry on a conversation. You know its bad when the kids leave the room and do not return to the living room until they hear that Bryan and David are leaving. And that is just to say good bye.
The children generally stay in the room when we were there. If they went into the bedroom, it was to play games or do something that kids do. I have never been all over Dave as you claim. The closest that I am aware of is when we come over for dinner and I was leaning against Dave and we would kiss every so often. These are light pecks on the lips or cheeks and you even took pictures of it. Such odd behavior for someone who is now saying that it was raunchy behavior. You know that I do not do PDA beyond light kisses and holding hands. The children are younger and they may see it differently but you, as the adult, should be able to explain it. Somehow, I don't believe the children ever asked you about it. My love for David is just as real as your love for your husband. It doesn't mater if you think so or not.
We had to stop inviting them over for dinner. The reason being is because with Brian losing his job and both of us desperately searching for jobs.
What you call looking for a job is, by no means, what a reasonable person would call desperately looking for a job. It is one thing to not apply for a job because you don't qualify for it. It is another to not apply for a job because it didn't have the hours you were looking for or that it would take you away from family for too long at a time. Or even to apply for a job for whatever hours with the notion that you might quit as soon as more income was coming into the house. This is not reasonable for the average person or for any company that wasted the time, energy and resources to hire and train you.
 we are on a limited income. We have three children and we need to make sure they get fed
Let's draw the distinction here. You have one full time child in the house - your daughter and sometimes you have three children in your house - your daughter and stepsons every other weekend and other times throughout the year as their mother allows them to come and go or you can afford to have them there. Yes, you have three children but your statement makes it appear like they are there ALL the time when this isn't the case.
So I buy a ham or turkey that is big enough to be used for other meals. Last time we had Bryan and David over, between just the two of them, they ate half a ham....HALF A HAM. Needless to say my husband and I went with out food so our children could be fed the next two days after the dinner. Its like neither of them have any regard for anyone else but themselves.
You are right. That was needless to say because it's not true and you know that. We buy the same 6-8 pound ham that you do at the store and it takes us 4 days to eat that ham. Now, count that, 4 days and we might be able to eat maybe 3/4th of that ham and then throw some away because it got shoved to the back or just tired of eating ham. This is after we have eaten ham for 2 or 3 evening meals, I have eaten ham sandwiches for 3 lunches maybe 4 and have had ham and bean soup. This tells you that there is no way that David and I could have put away 1/2 ham on our own. With the generous spread that you put out at holidays, there is no way at all that this could be true. Never mind that you tell people to eat as much as you like. I'm not even sure where you got the ridiculous notion that we managed to put away 1/2 a ham.
Bryan talks to me like we have all the money in the world and we can just go out and buy the things he does, and go to the places he and david go to.
No, actually, I don't - I stopped telling you some of the places we went or were going because I simply didn't want to hear you bitch about how much we waste at restaurants (I can agree some of it was a waste) or attempting to be sensitive to your plight. I may have failed at this venture but at least I was trying...something you refuse to acknowledge.
When I remind him of our situation I get attitude as if he is better. "oh thats right, I forgot" Like im beneath him.
This is an interesting claim. I have never once considered myself better than you before now. Anytime I said, "Oh, that's right. I forgot" was because I would call and ask if you watched a particular show and you would remind me that you don't have cable. Which is hardly something to get upset over. You've also told me that, "Yes, I've accepted that about you." as if my memory lapses are something that should be shameful. You can believe all you like that I really wasn't forgetting these things but that's on you. Then again, since I don't have to stoop to your level to talk about you or send tragic lies to your mother then I guess I can say I am better than you.
I decided it best if I just walked away quietly.
Quietly? You weren't exactly loud but you did make a deal over it. Even though you knew that what I wrote that night was a generalization, you still chose to make a stink over it. But who am I kidding? You were gone long before that.
If this is what makes him happy, being with David, than who am I to stand in the way of his happiness. But I will not allow anyone to hurt my family, and he has done quite enough of hurting my family and it was time to walk away. 
Really? I have hurt your family? Imagine how you hurt my mother, writing these filthy lies to her. Imagine how you have hurt me by taking the time to write these things that you know for a fact are not true. I guess this is the Catholic coming out of you. A witch, that you claim to be, wouldn't resort to this sort of non-sense or harmful behavior. Unless, of course, she's a bad witch. I guess we can ascertain why that face was presenting itself.
You are more than welcome to come visit anytime Miss Betty, when you are here
She won't visit you now and besides we all know that is a hollow gesture.
Our door is always open to you, you are family and we absolutely adore you. But I highly doubt Bryan will bring you to see us, not while he and David are still together.
You hit the nail on the head with this one! It's because I'm with David that I won't take her over there. Never mind the distance from my house to yours, the amount of gas or that you wrote this tasteless, tacky letter to my mother. Yep, it's none of those things, it's because I am with David. Trust me, my mother, wants nothing to do with you now. I certainly want nothing to do with you now and I won't want anything to do with you should David and I ever split up (this won't happen, so don't get your hopes up).
I'm sorry you are having to find all this out this way. I've so wanted to call you and tell you all of this, its been very heart breaking for me. But I am done crying over someone whom never sheds a tear for me.
You're wrong here, I have shed a tear over you and it appears that I had no business doing so. Although I should have seen the trail of friends that you have "outgrown" or they have done you wrong - Dana, George, Dave Mott - I thought maybe they had did you wrong over time but now I'm beginning to rethink that. You probably had no use for them. You've so wanted to call like all those times she wanted to talk to you but you didn't have time...like now.
I love you and I hope you understand why I had to distance myself from Bryan. 
Sweetie this is the best thing you could have done for me especially now that I have read this message you sent my mother. .We love you the mostest too.  This letter proves just how much!
Who knows what is floating around in your head. I talked to Mel and she told me that you were psychotic and made things up. I thought she was making things up but you do make things up. Telling lies doesn't make you psychotic but telling those lies to a mother who has no reason to believe those lies does make you a little psychotic. You had to know writing this trash to my mother wouldn't change her mind and that eventually I would find out about it.
You and Mel are the same in some respects. You both make things all about you. Oh, I'm sure I do that but in this letter you wrote - you chose to tell my mother all the things that I had, apparently, done to you. You didn't tell her that you have my cake plates, microwave, mini food processor and hand steamer. You didn't tell her the times that I bought you food and brought it over to your house because I knew if I had asked, you would have said no. You didn't mention the times that I did ask to help you and was rejected or the times I bought fast food. You didn't tell her that we talked more when I lived in Atlanta (700 miles away) than when I lived a mile down the street from you. You didn't mention the times that I let you borrow my car (4 round trips/month (most times)) to take your daughter to spend the weekend with her father. You didn't mention the times that we used my car to go out and do things when we did go out. I realized the truck was on its last wheels and this was okay. In the end, you both walked away because you felt you deserved more than you got or ever gave to me. Neither one of you had a really good reason because anything bad can be balanced with the good. Although, if I were to judge the reasons, I would award the walkaway of the year to Mel. At least she exploded in grand style and didn't resort to sending my mother filthy lies via Facebook. On top of that, Mel had good reason. I ran out on her when she needed me the most because I was scared and at the time, my fear told me to get out quickly before she lost her place to live. Yes, I did her wrong in that regard and fear is no excuse. But as with you, I did things to help her out even as far as a trip to the Bahamas. My car to help her out when she needed it. I helped her move when no one else would (likewise, she helped me move when she could). I got her to the hospital and visited her there when she had MRSA. In her case, the good may have been even or not quite balancing the bad but as I said, she had a reason. You, on the other hand, had no reason except that you could either no longer control me or felt I wasn't able to give you the attention you think you deserve.
I don't want recognition for these things nor do I want my stuff back. Then again, if you are going to resort to lies then there's no need to say good things about people. That would take away from the message on how terrible I am and how saintly you are and we couldn't have that - now could we?
Respectfully Submitted,
Ouiser

Friendships.......?

Do you have friendships? I think it's reasonable to say that most of us do. I just finished watching the Golden Girls episode where Sophia meets a friend at the boardwalk. They both snipe and nag each other while sipping a soda. At the end of the episode, Sophia loses her friend to Alzheimer's. His daughter couldn't take the time off from work anymore to watch after him 24/7 and so they sent him to New York to be with nephew who could offer specialized care. She loses her friend but at least it was to something that not even science can stop. Sure, it can slow it down but not stop it completely.

What was the point of the story, you ask? I watched the episode and it caused my face to leak thinking about the various reasons that you could lose a friend. In my case, she said that I was too negative and that she would cheer me on from afar (read: I don't want to be your friend anymore and well the reason doesn't matter but this makes me feel better). I freely admit that I am negative but not as much as she suggested. Is it really negative to be honest with people regardless of how bad it sounds? Sometimes people need to hear what they don't want to hear or what they actually need to hear not what they want to hear. In some cases, that's what a person is looking for - an honest person to tell them what they, themselves, already know. You could say that I am making excuses for myself but I'm not. As I said before, I am negative to a degree but I am a far cry from a dark cloud swirling over my head that's threatening to consume me. Once the deed was done, she could pat herself on the back and go on with her life. For my part, I removed myself from the two lists that I was on that she run and then blocked her from my accounts. That might seem petty but then how can I miss her if she never really goes away?

The truth is that I do miss my friendship with her or at least how I framed it in my mind but in reality, it was never really a friendship in the first place. Sure, when I lived in Atlanta, we talked nightly about all sorts of things unless something come up. Then when I moved up here so we could start our bakery together, the talking stopped. Yes, I went over to her house and we chatted there when there was a moment. She would come over to my house but only long enough to borrow the internet (I didn't mind) and I must say she cleaned my apartment at least twice. Yes, we chatted on the phone. But neither one of these were as much as we did when I lived 900 miles away. I could go days without talking to my friend who, now, lived a mile down the street. She told me that I was a breath of fresh air and alive but then somewhere that all changed. To my knowledge, I haven't done anything different than usual but she found religion. She always considered herself a witch but now she added being a Christian to that and ended up being an Xtian. I could be wrong. It could be something as simple as I moved to Indiana to be with David but I'm not 100% sure. I can't ask her now but if I could - would I? When the time line rolled through my head, I saw it coming with hindsight being 20/20 and all that...

One would think that I had enough time to know it was coming and without the aid of 20/20 hindsight. There may have been signs of it before this but I don't think the end really started until I moved to Indiana to be with David. One would also think that your best friend would be happy for you when you found the man you want to share your life with but apparently that's only if it meshes with the current plans. I know that before I moved here, I said that I didn't want to and made a big stink about it. There was a huge hole in the bathroom floor and there was no heating or air conditioning except for the window units during the summer. In the winter, we confined ourselves to one room and kept that one warm for us. Then again, with the exception of the huge hole in the bathroom floor - my last apartment was that way and we couldn't stay in one room together that we could keep warm and watch TV (it was too small, in case, you are curious) but I digress.....

Okay, so I should have had enough time to see it coming and I think I did. When I moved, it was just David and I moving my stuff down a flight of stairs and then it started pouring rain and it even filled up the viaduct that run underneath the train track down from my apartment. I was talking to her and even mentioned several times that I needed the help but she never bothered to offer the help and I was being too stubborn to ask because I figure, if you wanted too then you would have helped (never mind that she advised that she would help a few months ago). I went home last summer so that my David could see where I lived and what the south looked like plus I was visiting my mother. My brother and his wife found out that I call her a dirty whore and it's true, I do. Several times too. So, anyway, he wouldn't speak to me so I made a post on Facebook about it and my friend here jumped on me about it. Basically, it wasn't funny and she didn't see the point since the dirty whore isn't my friend and wouldn't see it anyway. Normally, she would have laughed about the dirty whore incident.

This is what I wrote:
Attention All Whores and Witches: In the past, I have called someone a whore and even suggested that if the broom fits - she should ride it. I stand before you today to apologize for my actions. By calling her a whore and suggesting that flying a broom is so easy that even stupid people can do it, was and is offensive and gives a bad name to whores and witches everywhere. I apologize to you all.

I still think it's funny but you can't win them all. Next comes the Chik-Fil-A debacle. If you don't know of it then that's when the founder of said company said they were happy as an anti-gay company and saw no need to support the gays in their marriage quest. He even based it on biblical principles but failed to mention the other types of biblical marriage or even the gay relationship found in the old and new testament (but I interpreted the bible in MY way and I could be wrong). She had a little friend on there that said that gays should just get over it. Then I had my say and forgot to use quotation marks - THE HORROR!! - so she trotted out there and told whoever that I forgot to use them and really didn't mean all christians (which I thought everyone knew who I was talking about) and in that speech I suggested that if the founder had said he believed women should be barefoot, pregnant, in the kitchen and believed that they should have no say or voting rights, I bet she wouldn't be saying get over it. But because the gay part didn't mean anything to her or affect her, she didn't care. So, my friend, told me by text that I basically only have one thought that I change and re-word in hopes that someone will bow down to my ego. So I said, so I'm a fraud? She said don't put words in my mouth and I said well a fraud is someone who has nothing but his ego. They believe that everyone is too stupid to figure it out or be able to find out it was them behind it all.

Now the Connecticut wedding issue - Again, I took to Facebook with the following update:
Dearest friends: while David and I have been on vacation in Connecticut visiting old friends (heifah please! It's just a figure of speech), We have decided to get married and live in Connecticut since our union will be recognized there. We will, of course, return to Indiana to clean up our stuff there and prepare for our move to Connecticut so that we can live in wedded bliss regardless of who the next president is. — with David

and she left this:  CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLOWING KISSES AND AIR HUGS!!!!!!!

Sounds cool right? Well, in reality, she was hoping mad and seething about the whole thing. Even called the neighbor from upstairs to bitch to him about it. She couldn't believe that I was throwing away 12 years of friendship and so forth and so on. Reading this far makes it sound like I wasn't important. I let it all blow over and waited then I called her and that's how I found out what was going on. Normally, she would have snatched up the phone and demanded answers but she didn't do that this time.

Sometime around Christmas, she had made a trip to Bargains & Treasures to look at stuff to purchase for Christmas. The owner had told her I had been there with David but I couldn't remember being there especially with David. Last time I was in Bradley was on Black Friday (I thought we had a good time then but apparently not). She was upset that I was in town without telling her (that's reasonable but I actually wasn't in town) and I can only assume the owner got her times mixed up which happens. All this time, I thought she was upset with me and then she deleted me from Facebook, so I called and left her a voice mail. She called back and told me that story and we were friends again.

Lastly was the whole thing about bullying children. I believe that bullying is a learned behavior and most likely it comes from the parents but, like everything else, I assume people know I am not talking about all children or all parents. Apparently it upset her to the point of crying because well she and her family aren't like that and I know that and I assumed that the generalization would make a person think that well they aren't like that then I must not be talking about them. It didn't happen that way. So that's when I got those all dramatic words about she needs to dump negative people out of her life and she will still cheer me on but from afar. She will be waiting on me when I get to the end of my tunnel and resolve the dark cloud hanging over my head. I told her to do what she needed to do. That's a condensed version of what was said but the rest was unimportant.

In the end, it's true I wasn't happy at that point in my life and I'm doing okay now. Some days are good and others are bad but when I do reach the end of that tunnel – she won't be there and I know this. Even if she were, I'd rather step past her and talk with people that stood by me assuming these are the worst days of my life. I can't really speak for her and, of course, what I wrote is what I'm thinking but the friendship ended that night and it won't be reignited.

I thought she was being overly dramatic about the whole wedding thing and the 12 years of friendship being tossed. But I guess it really is true - 12 years of friendship can be thrown away <snap> just like that.

Respectfully Submitted,

Ouiser

Marriage Equality

I'm pretty sure that there will be people that do not agree with me. To them, I say good for you. You don't even have to like me but please, have balls, and say so - don't pretend. It's a nasty way to be and a waste of your energy. I have no want, need or desire for anyone to act like me and let's be honest - I am one hard act to follow.

There have been upsets on my Facebook wall and well, at this point, I'll let the chips fall where they may. Even for the most protected. It's unfortunate that it has come to this but if you have the balls to say something on my wall then you need to have the balls to accept whatever is said to you. It's odd how christians want to jump into the political foray and then demand that their religion is respected. I do think it takes balls to be that blatantly hypocritical about it.  Just like that church in Indiana had a toddler singing, "No homos gonna go to heaven" and then the adults gave the kid a standing ovation. Don't believe me? Check out the video on YouTube by clicking here. They want to teach their kids stuff like that and then claim gays are the worst people that can happen to a child.  Absolutely stunning! The blatant hypocrisy blinds me. This should be considered child abuse. While I assume that there are some churches out there that don't give a whit about what goes on outside their walls and community provided that it doesn't hurt them.

One should know that the people that take the time to rile up people about gay marriage equality. You know those people who make money through collections, donations or someone buying into their clap-trap? The televangelists, journalists at fox news, conventions and politicans. They know people are easily scared into thinking something wrong will befall them if the gays get married and will throw money at them to stop this seemingly bad thing. They say that marriage hasn't changed in thousands of years but oddly enough Mitt Romney's grandfather moved to Mexico so that he could keep his five wives. Interracial couples won the fight to be married. Women are no longer traded like common cattle as they once were. But marriage hasn't changed. If you believe that then you apparently don't follow your history very well. This applies to quite a few blacks who don't agree with marriage equality but are in an interracial couple or don't remember that slaves had to have permission to be married or to do so in secret and it wasn't recognized. Even at one time were not considered a whole person. Now, we have the same problem and for a group of people who make it all about slavery.....they don't want to recognize other people are having the same problem. It's almost shameful behavior. Yes, I am dragging up history but whoever said those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it wasn't too far off the mark.

To those of you who may or may not know, I am not an Atheist but rather an Agnostic. I like to think there is a God(s)/Goddess(es) out there but I don't know for sure. There is a word for people who aren't sure if God(s) or Goddess(es) exist but choose to live their lives as though they do knowing full well that they may not. For the most part, I look at God/Goddess a bit differently than most people and I have come to understand him/her on my own terms. If those terms don't suit you then I suppose that's okay:

I do my thing and you do yours.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it's probably for the best.

Ouiser will be back touring Atlanta on June 29th. June 30th to my hometown then July 2nd to Savannah then back to Atlanta to catch my flight home on July 3rd. So there are my travel plans if you want to stalk me.

Ouiser

This is how I see Things.....Part 2

Perhaps this post will be a little more toned down and maybe not. I suppose it all depends on how much you agree or disagree with me. Having said that, you are, of course, permitted to disagree with me - it's all part of that precious gift called Free Will. But this doesn't mean I won't call you out on your bullshit. Off we go with another thrilling chapter of Ouiser's "How I see Things....."

I posted the following picture on Facebook the other day. Most of the stuff that I post doesn't get noticed so I was expecting pretty much the same as usual but this is not what happened. At any rate, this is the picture I posted:

I posted this because I like and believe the message. You have simply to read my first installment in this series and you can see for yourself. I'll be kind and post a link for you here. But I am going to let you in on some of what transpired. Hopefully, I won't bore you because there are two other pictures I want to post that had some following to it. I won't name anyone but I can't guarantee that I won't use direct quotes as written on my page. If anyone recognizes their writing and wishes to have it removed, then you can go to Helen Waite. She's the editor here at Ouiser's Unmentionables. Besides, one would assume that if you posted it on any Facebook page, you are doing two things: 1) Showing that you are not embarrassed by what you said and 2) Giving the page owner license and rights in perpetuity to use it.

These are the points I was trying to make with this particular line which deals with marriage --

Gay men and women can:

• Be denied housing in some states.
• Be fired or not hired solely for being gay.
• Denied hospital visits because we aren't married.
• Are told every day that our relationships aren't valid by our own government because it's not politically viable to say so.
• Pay higher tax rates because we can't file as married filing jointly or separately. (In theory, you can file but then you have to wait at least 3 years hoping the IRS doesn't catch on. If they do, it can be considered fraud and then taxes, interest and penalties apply from the date the filing was done. Fraud may also carry jail time. Publication 501 specifically states that for purposed of filing taxes as married jointly or separately - only unions between a man and a woman would be considered. File separately or possibly have the IRS riding your ass - you make that choice. As for me, I can't be bothered with them like that).
• have everything taken away from them when their partner dies because their family doesn't like you and well you aren't married, so you aren't family.

So before you say that your rights are being denied or go to vote against someone because you won't take the time to learn about it yourself, think of those things. These things you take for granted are very real helps to other people. You don't have to agree with gays but at the very least, you can think for yourself (I write evangelicals because these are the ones with the most issues with gay people, not all Christians).

This is one of the comments mentioned by someone during this whole debacle: A hate monger is someone who physically, emotionally or mentally harms you. I'm sorry but I do not believe you are born gay, it is a choice, but that is my belief. From Christian perspective I believe it is innately wrong.

Tell me, what do you think it does to a person who has to hear constantly that they made a choice to be gay when they know they never did? What do you think it does to a person when people vote to deny them rights and access to benefits of being married? Do you honestly think that doesn't emotionally or mentally harm someone? Are you really that delusional to believe that you can say things like that and not harm someone, in some way? Never mind that the APA removed homosexuality from the list of disorders back in 1973 and you people have nothing better to cling to other than some words transcribed over 2,000 years ago. So, I take it that the Christians that don't care if someone is gay and do not care if two men or women get married have it all wrong? Deceived by the devil are they?

Find something else to talk about. In short, the answer is no. I will talk about whatever I want, whenever I want. Is this another right that evangelicals want to take away? Could be, I'm not sure but I'm pretty certain that would not be the case but I can make up crazy ideas too.

It was asked whether or not the participants actually vote their conscience. My answer to that is no, I do not. I think Christianity should be taken down a peg but would I vote to stop them from being who or what they are? No, I couldn't do that because I actually care for other people regardless of my personal beliefs. Yes, I am aware that the same care isn't returned to me but as I stated on another page - evangelicals are doing more to hurt themselves than I ever could.

The basic idea behind this post was the idea that all of this voting that we do in order to give gay people the ability to marry seems oddly out of place. You know like slavery except it's all races involved. Evangelicals go to the voting booths with gusto and glee so that can stop those pesky homosexuals from having the same rights. Yet, no one seems to know why. They all have vague reasons.

A dear friend tells me today that I have to stop being upset at religion and she explained that it's not religion that's the culprit - it's people. She has a very valid point. The message is from a/the God(s) but it's people that take the message and pervert it into whatever makes them money and unfortunately it's the blind sheep that are all too happy to send money to these people and all they really pay for is that television studio, the clothes they wear, salaries and all of the assorted accouterments that go into begging for money on TV.

Another person told me that they are okay with gays, they simply don't approve. I replied to that person telling them that their approval is neither needed nor desired. I have more compassion in my little finger than someone who can look at me and say I love you and then turn and vote against my rights because they do not approve. It takes unmitigated gall to do something like that and still claim that you love me and support me and wish me only happiness except the things I think you shouldn't have. What a fucked up world we live in!

You know, I thought at one time, if it come up to a vote, that I would vote to destroy religion. But the reality is that I can't stoop to the level of those who believe they are Christ-like. Imagine that! I'm evil but almost 100% of the time, I am a better person than most people who are evangelicals. That begs the question...if that makes me evil then what are they?

Ouiser

This is how I see things ......

Ouiser has determined that it's time to speak her mind. You might be thinking that she always does this but this is not the case. In some cases, I state my opinion but do not go out of my way to be nasty about it. Besides, I know that my readership is quite small and even if it were larger, it most likely wouldn't change minds.


So, without further ado, this is how I see things.


Marriage: Really? Have you nothing better to do than bother about what other people want to do in their lives? Seriously ask yourself, who does it harm? It certainly isn't you. A small number of states have passed this legislation and nothing has happened to them - at all. NOTHING. Imagine the large countries that have passed this and again nothing happened to them. Let me be perfectly clear -- Nothing will happen to you or anyone else. Besides, by attempting to ban any sort of same sex marriage, you already admit that the governments and our constitution allow it.


Here's a thought: Go read and study your Bible. Then apply the scriptures to YOUR lives not mine. Stop being a parrot for the church and use the brain that god gave you. Most of you should be embarrassed that I'm more Christ-like than you are and know more about the Bible.


Think! It really isn't that hard. Seriously, you have a church that wants to condemn gays but yet has the unmitigated gaul to cover up their own priests misdeeds. Furthermore, 98% of the women in the church have used birth control and yet, their own leadership condemns it. Someone is not in touch with their parishioners and given their priests proclivities, it's probably a good thing!


There is no, "well that country is not under god's protection". Bullshit! Even if that were the case, you god has no business in government at all. Keep your god at your home and your church. Anywhere else is just overkill.


I had some nut job, uh, I mean interesting person on Pinterest comment on one of my pins by telling me that marriage was a gift from god. Is that so? Well, take your gift and make it so but you'll have to give up all the benefits the government bestows on your "gift" because it's a gift from god, not the government and since the government can't show favoritism towards religion or non-religion. The easy answer to fix this problem is to let everyone have a go at it. If you want to still consider it a gift from god, you may do so but the rest of the country doesn't have too and the government can't.


I don't remember voting on your marriage, so lay your paws off mine. Since when did you have the right to decide what other people should have? Should I start a petition dissolving all marriages? Can we vote on that? Again, most of you should be ashamed of yourselves for even thinking you have the right to bestow rights upon me that are already mine to have - how fucking dare you! The nerve of how some of you think it's up to you and then you wonder why I have absolutely no respect for the religions that you think so high and mighty of.


Taxes: Would you like to see more taxes in the coffers? I think you should tax the churches. Why not?  All that land out there with holy buildings on them that are a rich source of income. When you think of all the preachers who tell people how to vote from the pulpit (thereby entering the political arena) are breaking federal law. But, of course, for that to matter the IRS has to know and actually care. If it isn't worth their time, then they aren't going to check it out. Not to mention that some of these churches are simply a hiding place for some people to avoid taxes by calling their income - church income or preacher income.


I'm not 100% sure that the Fair Tax would be the answer but it seems like it. I'd be willing to wager that it's better than what we have now. I'm tired of having the government eat up my paycheck because I'm in a same sex relationship, I don't get to file for the lower tax rates that married filing jointly or even Head of Household can do. I refuse to have rug rats that take up all your time, attention and money. The tax benefits of such aren't worth it in the long run. Never mind, that it would be disappointing to be raising decent children and be the exception not the norm.


Public Square: This is the area of your village, town, city, county or state that is government property and as such, publicly owned and operated. This area is for the use and recreation of the public meaning you, me and well anyone that is a citizen of the United States and officially registered visitors (meaning people who have passports and the visas required to visit, work, live or go to school). This area must represent everyone, not just a few. The neighboring village north of here has a nativity scene right in front of their sign during Christmas. It should be a disgrace but no one says anything. I was in a foul mood one day and was thinking about saying something to have it removed but I forgot then never said anything when I remembered. Even so, it's not harming anyone - so why should I care? Furthermore, I'm not sure the area they use is public or private. One would assume since it's in front of the Welcome sign for the Village then it's public but it's also across the street from a well heeled Nazarene school too, so it could be their land.  But, if it were public, then everyone should be allowed to put something up.  Then again, I'm sure some "well meaning 'christian'" (term used extremely loosely, so loosely, it would feel like a hot dog being thrown down a hallway) would eventually tear it down in a fit of christian outrage.


I like this quote:


“Some people say homosexuality is a sin. It’s not. God is perfectly cool with it, God feels the exact same way about homosexuality that God feels about heterosexuality. Now you might say, ‘Whoa, slow down. You move too fast. How could you have the audacity, the temerity, to speak on behalf of God?’ Exactly, that’s an excellent point and I pray that you remember it.”


This this warning picture:

I know it seems that I am being rather mean and angry at the church and it's for good reason. The church, for the most part, has shown over and over again that they don't care about people unless they can do things the way they want too or you donate to their cause. Think about it. Everyone that the church demonizes generally doesn't go and therefore doesn't contribute. Then they want to petition to government that they shouldn't have to follow the laws that they feel are against their religion but they should have every right to apply for government funding, grants and contracts. When government says no, you aren't permitted to do so if you want to participate in government funds and contracts. They, like little sniveling children, gather up all their toys and go home - refusing to help anyone.  How, exactly, does this show Christ's love? I understand not performing weddings and such for couples you don't agree with but then refusing to help those most in need because the government won't give you a special loophole? Yeah, that's just steeps in Christian love.  They've had a number of scapegoats throughout history and gays are just the latest. I'm not positive who will be next...maybe they'll start picking on other religions in gusto.


Folks, there is a difference between being religious and being faithful (you can say moral here). These terms aren't necessarily mutually exclusive but, in some cases, you find that you can have one but not the other. Since religion tends to override everything else. You do not need the church to be a good person or even to believe in God for that matter. There is no need to throw money away at the church when you could use it for something else more important that actually helps you. By that, I mean, you don't need the church for instruction in how to see God, walk with God or even talk with God. The church isn't necessary for you to grow and mature in your faith. So I implore you to dump the ditz, flounce the floozy and ditch the bitch then make the switch to talking and understanding God on your own terms. There is simply no better way to understand God and trust me, you'll feel heaps better when the guilt has washed away from your soul.

Ouiser

An attempt to be inspirational....

I wrote a blog post last month or maybe in January that questioned if it actually gets better. I answered the question with a yes and an explanation. You can read the blog post here.


Now Chris of Facebook page and blog called From the Bungalow has issued a writing challenge based on music.


I like to think that I am a halfway decent writer and I suppose, in the end, that's all that matters - that I was happy with what I did. At any rate, as I mentioned earlier, I wrote this blog in January and I found a song that works. I'm going to attempt to update it with lyrics and see where it goes but it's possible a new blog will come out of it. I think this is an important cause so I have included the links to Amazon and iTunes.


The song is "It Does Get Better" by The L Project.
Music & Words by Georgey Payne.


You can find their Facebook Page by clicking here: The L Project
You can purchase the song at most download sites: Amazon and iTunes

Could you walk through a town, see a boy beaten down 'gainst a wall,
And think nothing at all? But you think nothing at all.

This is a great question. Could you really do that? Would you think better him than me or even worse that whatever it is he probably deserves that treatment? I suppose in this day and age it is easier to pretend you saw nothing at all. You never know how sick those doing the beating really are....will they come after you next? Or would they be like most bullies and back down immediately solely because they've never had anyone speak up to them before. It's almost the same thing they ask on the show, "What Would you do?"

For the ones who can't see or not hear any sounds in this life,
Try to feel what that's like? 'Cause no one gets to decide.

This song deals with the rash of gay suicides that happen because there are so many who aren't strong enough to stand up to their tormentors. The lyrics are attempting to get someone to understand that there are things that you can't control in this life and no one gets to decide what happens to you. It wants you to place yourself in a world where you can't see or perhaps can't hear. Try to feel what that's like. On the flip side of the coin, imagine that you're gay and despite what people say, you know you didn't choose this life. No one gets to decide these things.

When days don't seem right just shine,
'Cause this life is yours and mine.
On a day like today when you're walking away,
Hold your head up so high, 'cause I tell you from here...
That you've come so far, and always be who you are.
When your head hits the floor, and you're bleeding some more,
Let me tell you I swear...

That it does get better... from where you are.

There are always going to be days where you just simply don't feel your best. Maybe you are coming down with something or perhaps you just broke up with the one you thought was The One. Maybe your parents didn't take your coming out all that well or perhaps you were taunted and beaten up. Just by being yourself, you have already come far. You could even say for simply for being hated for what you  are rather than loved for what you aren't. It does get better from here. You might stand up for yourself or you might just grow older or maybe both. For me, it was simply growing older and letting go. Religion tormented me for years and I finally let it go. I've prayed to God after sex to forgive me for what I have just done. I even worried that one day God will turn his back on me because I ask for forgiveness for the same thing over and over again. I even asked to not be gay anymore and probably 20 years since that first prayer, I'm still gay. I've come to the realization that being gay is what I am meant to be and I make no apologies for it. My demons were my own and I had to stand up to them just like I would have an actual human.

For all those men in their skirts, all the boys loving boys
And the girls loving girls, I tell you it does get better.

Simply put transgender, drag queens, drag kings, gay men and lesbians. It will all get better in time. There will be no overnight results but trust that it will get better.

For all the lovers who have smiled

As they walked down the aisle in this life,
Saying beautiful words, they were finally heard.
And all the women and the men who've marched time and again
For this fight, they were finally right,
Now we're all breathing life...

There are now eight states that allow gay marriage. It does make you wonder why must their be the distinction and I really can't answer that question. After all, when Massachusetts allowed gay couples to wed there were a slew of states that specifically banned gay marriages against their own Constitutions (which promise that every one in the state has the same equal rights). If gay couples couldn't have gotten married previous to this time then why the rush to ban it outright? The lyrics go on to talk about how these couples are now saying their vows with the recognition from, at least, the state they live in. Their voices were finally heard by others and it's an accumulation of all those men and women who came before them. Those who marched for our rights time and time again. Whether it be for black people, women, interracial couples or gay couples. All those countless men and women who marched over and over again to show where they stand. Some were maimed or even killed for standing up but if not for them, it's very well possible that these couples now wouldn't be saying their vows. And now that they don't have to hide their love, they can finally breathe in life and all that it can offer.

And now that we've come so far, and always stay who you are.
When we're walking so gay, hold your head high and say,
For the ones who can't see from the challenges feared,
"You're not on your own, together were stronger,
Never get thrown". When you're feeling so small,
get your back off that wall, will you open your eyes?

Now that you've made it this far, don't back down and always stay true to yourself despite what everyone else may think you need to be. No one said it would be easy, they just said it would get better. Once you are holding your head up high and you are staying true to yourself be a beacon for those who can't see that far ahead because they fear the challenges that may or may not come. Their so blinded by fear that they see nothing good coming out of being themselves. But you can be that light to remind them that they are not alone, someone has trod down this path before and can be a huge help. Just when you think that you a small and are backed up against a wall, open your eyes to the possibility of those things around you. A friend once said that she was told that if you close one door another door will open but she's closed several doors and the new one never opens. I told her that as she closes doors, new ones will "open" but she has to take the initiative and courage to turn the knob and walk through.

'Cause I tell you it does get better... from where you are.
And if that sky up above sees the children you've loved,
And all the families you've grown, from first being told "no,"
It get's better from where we are.
For all those men in their skirts, all the girls who eat dirt,
All the boys loving boys and the girls loving girls,
It gets better...

And now that we've come so far, and always stay who you are,
For all those men in their skirts, all the boys loving boys
And the girls loving girls... I tell you it does get better...

I chose this song because it makes my face leak every time that I hear it. I'll be honest and say that my life has never been as bad as some have it today. I did, at one time, fear owning a gun because I was worried that I couldn't trust myself with it.  I never actually contemplated suicide but at the same time, I didn't want to have the tools at my disposal in case things ever got that bad.  I still don't own a gun and probably never will; although, I like to think I could use one if someone ever threatened me or my family.

The only thing I can tell you is that it does get better. I wish I could tell you it's better now but with the proliferation of parents who don't actually want to parent (and expect someone else to do it for them), it probably won't get better until you're older. Also understand that some people are just mean for sport and others are mean simply because no one has ever stood up to them or because they don't know any other way to be. Some people wrap their evil up in the American flag and carry a cross. They'll work that tired Christian drag for all its worth.

Just know that "It Does Get Better".

Imagine......

The title of this post is imagine because I want you to imagine a few things with me. I'm sorta vamping here so it might be a short post or it might be a rather long post. This blog will probably be a little touchy but that's why it's called Unmentionables. When I first thought of the starting points of this blog, I thought about the song, "Imagine" by John Lennon which has a line that says, "Imagine no religion too." Sounds horrible doesn't it? The truth is that it does even to me. Religion has a place in this world but ruling it isn't it. Before you argue, the song speaks of quite a few things that if we could just imagine without and I think the main thing is that the song talks about the things that divide us. Not only those things that divide us but the things that we allow to divide us -- religion being one and politics being another.

Imagine (Straight, Married People).....

That your marriage was invalid or that you couldn't get married. What would it feel like if you could only get married in a handful of states? What if only those involved in homosexual relationships could marry and they begrudgingly allowed those of you in heterosexual marriages to get married but only if was put to a popular vote -- a popular vote among a largely homosexual population? What if the homosexuals kept saying no because you'll pro-create? because you're unnatural? because their God says so (which is the only God, by the way) even though they can't prove it and even if they could - they conveniently forget the other laws in the Bible? Have you imagined that?

Imagine (Black people).....

That your ancestors didn't fight the way that they did for their freedoms. Think about what you have today -- homes, children (that you choose to have), political office, being considered a whole person (or even being counted for that matter), choosing where you work and what you do for a living, going to school for that higher education and basically the right to be who you are with who you want to be. All of this could be wiped away if it hadn't been for your ancestors choosing to fight and their allies fighting with them. Now what if it was your rights on display? What if you wanted to marry? What if the politicians answer was let's put it up to a popular vote -- among a largely white population (obviously if we are voting on you're ability to marry then you can't vote). Does that make you mad? It should. It was all a reality at one point in time. But, for whatever reason, you are content with doing that to gay people. You are okay with denying gay people every single right that you have. So imagine what it would be like to want something but have to go through the majority to get it. You shouldn't have to imagine too long because it really wasn't that long ago. For those of you in an interracial relationship, it was less than 50 years ago and yet, here you are willing to impose the same narrow view that was imposed on you just a short 5 decades ago. Imagine if Loving hadn't filed suit against The Commonwealth of Virginia.

Imagine (Christian folk).....

That there was no religion or what religion you had was banned or you could be killed for possessing contraband items or worse yet, just simply refusing to say, "I'll believe your way." and, of course, you'd have to mean it with conviction (even if you didn't really mean it). You'd have to imagine a little further but still reading good book on history will remind you that at one point in time, in England (before American was a blip on the screen), that's what happened. A new king (or queen) would assume the throne and the religion of the court would change and the monarchy would send out people to convert those heathens to the correct religion even if it meant killing them. Some of you might even be surprised to learn that America was founded on principles to avoid this from happening. You see - the founding fathers knew that government and religion wasn't a good mix and it still isn't today. Some of you might even be thinking we would never do that to people in America but are you sure? How many gays, blacks and whites have died because of religion? Does the Salem Witch Trials of 1692 ring a bell? No? How about slavery? Still nothing? How about interracial relationships? If you are having a hard time, let me help you - religion - religion was the root of all of this evil. The Bible and even God's name was invoked to keep witches burning at the stake, blacks in chains and the races separated. Equal but separate....sounds familiar doesn't it?

This country was started in 1620 or well at least that's when the first settlers landed and wanted to start a new world free of British rule and state imposed religion. Now here it is almost 400 years later and we are still living the same nightmare over and over again. We, as a nation, have failed to learn our lessons and for that - we are repeating history.

Finally, I leave you with - Imagine.....

Imagine someone saying that you had to live your life in a way that made them happy. Your happiness isn't considered, needed or wanted. Imagine how that would make you feel. Less than fingernail dirt (thanks M for this phrase)? Less deserving of someone else's love? Less deserving of the life that you have? Now imagine the things you do to make someone else feel that way. Granted, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent but imagine that there are some people who simply aren't that strong and then imagine if you were one of them.

Ouiser